The White House and its surroundings were temporarily evacuated on Sunday following the discovery of an unknown substance on the grounds, later confirmed to be cocaine.

It appears the presidential broom has been so busy working overtime sweeping political dirt under the rug, that it missed an entire line of cocaine. The Secret Service’s Uniformed Division Officers spotted the initially unidentified white item, leading to the dispatch of the Washington DC Fire Department’s hazardous materials team.

Subsequent analysis confirmed the substance was in fact “cocaine hydrochloride,” according to a recording from DS Fire and Hazmat posted by OpenMHz, a radio aggregator. The location where the cocaine was discovered within the White House remains undisclosed.

Cocaine is a Schedule II narcotic in the US, recognized for its high potential for abuse and addiction, sitting right up there with fentanyl and methadone in the “let’s not casually find this in the backyard” category.

The discovery prompted heightened security measures in light of a separate incident involving the detonation of explosive devices and a “Molotov cocktail-style object” outside three city businesses earlier on Sunday. The culprit? Still on the loose. Perhaps a coke-dealing, cocktail-tossing villain is terrorizing the nation’s capital?

Ultimately, though, the incident didn’t pose a threat to White House staff according to the DC Fire Department, and road closures near the presidential residence were soon lifted. President Biden was not in the building at the time of the discovery, but one can only imagine the debriefing that awaited him upon return: “Sir, we found cocaine on the lawn. Also, your rose bushes need trimming.”

Naturally, the internet had a field day, speculating wildly about the coke’s origin. Some pointed to the president’s son, Hunter Biden, who’s been known to indulge in a few extracurricular activities. Indeed, young Biden recently attended a state dinner at the White House before joining his father at Camp David for the holiday weekend.

This event occurred against the backdrop of a significant increase in global cocaine production and record seizures, which are popping up from narco-submarines to Belgian ports where so much coke was found they didn’t know how to destroy it all. Guess no one thought to look in the bushes outside the White House, huh?

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